How To Be and Not To Be Is The Question – English Essay
To be or not to be; this appears to be a simple question that people deal with every day. However, there are matters that are just not as simple as I want them to
be, or I should say I tend to complicate the simplest matters. I am a paradox; my actions and thoughts are often contentious; they are to be and not to be.
The vital qualities that I look for in a best friend are honesty, trustworthiness, and the ability to “touch” my soul; and of course, I expect the same of myself. Yet, recently I started to doubt the existence of such best friends. The qualm was rooted from an event that happened between my best friend Crystal and I, and a boy named Kou. It is similar to a typical soap opera, when a boy comes between two best friends. Ironically, Crystal and I never really argued over Kou, because she never knew that I liked him, at least not until later. I liked Kou for several years before I figured that Crystal also liked him, I thought of telling her at first but hesitated because the situation between him and me was ambiguous, nothing ever happened over the several years. Furthermore, I was about to come to the U.S at that point, which would be nonsense for me to start a relationship with him, so I thought I could just give up and therefore prevent a possible grudge.
Unfortunately, the matter was not as smooth as I expected it to be. I wanted to distance myself from Kou, but I became even closer to him due to my brainless agreement to Crystal that I would hook them up. Unexpectedly, the role of being the match maker brought him and me closer instead, and he ended up to like me, that was when I realized that I have made a huge mistake. Kou’s confession gave me nothing but the feeling of remorse, I was totally disgusted at my own insensitivity. He wouldn’t have liked me if I had just refused to help Crystal, yet it was too late to amend anything. Although I never went out with Kou, I always have a sense of guilt when I am around Crystal. Crystal found out later that Kou and I liked each other, and was shocked, but she believed that it was not my fault. Her trust only worsened my guiltiness. I lost faith in the term “best friend,” how can I expect others to meet the so-called vital qualifications if I failed to meet them myself.
I am always perceived as a reticent girl that strives to be perfect, and the girl that would freak out over a “B”, however, this is not who I truly am. It would be wrong to say that I strived to be perfect for my parents, but they do account for a large proportion of my changes in attitudes. I was a true rebel; I often did what was forbidden simply to demonstrate my defiance of taboos. Nevertheless, I came to realized that my parents worked arduously year after year, only for the sake of providing me a brighter future, I knew it was time for me to stop and think about what I could do for them. Their unconditional deeds were an immense pressure. Each day, the aging and tiring that appeared on their faces would urge me to work the hardest possible. I need a better education to get a better job, and then I will be able to afford the best condition for my parents. With this goal in mind, I forced myself to do everything right, to follow the rules, and to keep my mind focus on school. As part of me wanted to relax, the other part forced me to work; as part of me wanted to do something crazy and dumb, the other part stopped me before I could even step a toe out of the line; as part of me wanted a simple life, the other part forced me to pursue power and wealth. As days progress, I lose myself, I do not know what I want anymore, the passage to the future is so dark and daunting that I am groping for the unobtrusive exit.
I am the kind of person that avoids showing any weaknesses; therefore I get scared whenever my friends try to get “closer” to me. Intimate relationships are too vulnerable to betrayal. Ironically, despite how much I hate the feeling of vulnerability, I tend to seek for friends to share my insecurities. But to share my insecurities means to show my weaknesses, the two contradicting actions barred me from doing either of the two. My contradicting thoughts prevented any possible improvements that I could have achieved. Whenever I come across a problem, I want to ask for help because clearly that is the only way I can improve. Nonetheless, I become too ashamed of my own stupidity that I cannot ask for any help, I am too ashamed to even look straight into the teachers’ eyes.
It is possible that I am in some way similar to Billy Milligan, the “famous” murderer that claimed to have 24 different personalities. Paradox is the product of my diverse personalities. Hence, it is unnecessary to argue over myself, I will just have to accept every part of me, and the fact that each part responds to a situation differently, and appears differently when dealing with different people.